What I learned in breakup school

I don’t like to brag, but I get broken up with a lot. And while I already consider myself an expert in this unique form of misery, true expertise means knowing there’s always room for improvement. Cue: this past summer, when my ex dumped me after a year together and I decided to pack my emotional baggage and head off to heartbreak class. Virtually, that is.

Surprisingly—or, you know, maybe not so surprisingly in an age when there’s an app for everything—I had options. There’s No Contact Rule, which focuses on detoxing from an ex, and Rx Breakup, which digs into the psychology of it all. Plus the pep-talk-driven Break-Up Boss. But after some more research, I chose Mend. Developed by wellness and mental health experts, its self-guided heartbreak course consists of more than 390 audio training sessions that address every aspect of a split. (Don’t worry, each is only a few minutes long, and you can go at your own pace.) All lessons end with a journal prompt, and you get access to a Slack workspace to connect with hundreds of fellow Menders.

Still, at $275 for the full program, it’s a bit of a, um, commitment, to say the least. I wanted to make sure I knew what I was getting into, so I asked psychotherapist Daniela Tempesta, a former Mend contributor and course developer, for some insider’s insight. She told me she frequently recommends Mend to clients navigating a breakup, explaining that in addition to providing a 24/7 source of support that’s “essential in reducing feelings of isolation,” the program also gives users the tools they need to establish a healthier romantic future.

That was enough to make me cautiously optimistic. Plus, as a Pisces, there are few things I love more than talking about my feelings—which I’m about to do a whole lot more of because it turns out breakup school was totally worth it. Here are the takeaways I’m still carrying with me.

Lesson 1: You Don’t Need to Know Why Your Relationship Ended

Obviously, a sudden dumping will leave a person with a few unanswered questions, but the thing is, the answers to those questions don’t actually matter. (Hard to hear, I know!)

Mend gave it to me straight: “When they broke up with you, they gave you the only information you really need: that for whatever reason, they did not want to continue in the relationship.”That was all the closure I was going to get, and the sooner I was able to accept that reality, the sooner I could start moving on with my life.

Of course, heartbreak is also a journey, and there will be setbacks along the way—like when you think you’re totally over it but you end up drunk-sobbing in an Uber after a party. (Just me?) And that’s another learning: There’s no real finish line, just a process.

Lesson 2: Figure Out What Real Love Looks Like to You

Of all the questions that have lingered after my relationships, the most nagging one is always, Was that real love? Heartbreak is inherently disillusioning, and it’s almost impossible not to question whether the feelings either of you had were real to begin with. Through breakup school, I learned that all of that doubt is just a waste of precious time and mental energy I could be using to ask more important questions—ones that do have answers. Mend’s “Was It Love?” session helped me realize I didn’t have to let that question torment me, nor did I have to ignore it altogether. I just needed to do a little revising.

Upon reflection, it turned out that the more important question for me wasn’t whether it was “real” love—it was whether it was the kind of love I wanted. Considering the ease with which my ex walked away, that answer turned out to be a pretty clear no.

Lesson 3: A Breakup Is a Chance to Rewrite Your Future

To an extent, settling down with my ex made sense. He was older and more traditional, owned a house, and knew the exact Tiffany engagement ring I had my eye on. There was just one problem: I wasn’t sure the relationship itself was everything I wanted.

But even though I spent a lot of our time together trying to ignore my doubts, feeling like my potential future just disappeared before my eyes when we broke up was jarring. That, I learned, is also normal.

It can be weird to feel like you’re mourning something good that, in truth, was never that good, but Mend validated those feelings (see the “Saying Goodbye to a Future” session) while also helping me overcome them. Mourning what could have been is natural, and acknowledging that pain is a crucial step.

Lesson 4: It’s Okay to Be Okay

Something else about heartbreak: It’s inconvenient. Like, it’s hard to go about the everyday tasks necessary to keep yourself fed when the sight of a dozen empty flower vases in the kitchen, left over from when your ex loved you, keeps reducing you to a floor-bound pile of sadness. But recovering from that sadness can also be weirdly unsettling. Because my breakup was extremely sudden, my negative feelings about it felt like the only thing I had left. The sadness was validating in a way, and when it started to disappear, I panicked. If I wasn’t still sad, did that mean I hadn’t loved my ex enough? Was this growth or just emotional necrosis?

Reframing “getting over it” as something I was working toward rather than something that was just happening to me because enough time had gone by helped ease a lot of the anxiety that comes with the post-breakup transition from heartbroken crier to emotionally stable member of society. I wasn’t just forgetting the pain—I was actively healing from it.

Lesson 5: Breakups Bring Growth, and Growth Is a Gift

Spoiler alert: You’re never going to be exactly the same person you were before your relationship—and that’s a good thing. Sorting through all of this takes work, but like all necessary things, it can also be pretty damn rewarding. I’m still figuring out who exactly I’m meant to be in this new post-relationship era, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to move on, even if it means I lost something.

And now, as an esteemed breakup school grad, I know the growth that can come with heartbreak is nothing to be afraid of—which (I’m hoping) will only empower me to love that much more openly in the future. So to all my next ex-boyfriends, my DMs are open.